One Road, Two Paths

I knew this day would impact me, but I did not think that this day would hit me like an asteroid hitting a planet. It was supposed to be full of busy work for me to do so that I would not have to think about what was actually happening, yet I woke up and the first thing I thought about was what was actually happening. I was helping my brother move into college. When I said it out loud it felt so mundane but upon allowing myself to think about it that morning I realized what it meant to me. I was losing a part of myself in my own home, I was fading away from something I had been tethered to for my entire life. I spent a lot of my time getting ready ignoring the big lights flashing in my brain, I told myself I was getting ready for a just day out with my family. However, deep down I knew this day would impact me in a way that I would never be the same, and I did not believe that was a good thing.

I kept pushing out thoughts and distracting myself with all of the hecticness that comes along with trying to help an eighteen year old boy pack up everything that he forgot to pack twelve hours prior, which was not ideal for my parents who had both wanted to leave the house about an hour ago. After finally finishing overpacking with every single thing he could possibly need in any scenario for the next two months before he came home again, we started the day I had been putting off all morning, the day of moving my brother into college and three and a half hours away from me. 

The beginning of the drive was fine, especially since I made it a point to myself to not think about it too much. My only true problem with our drive was that there was absolutely zero room. The second I sat down I knew I was going to be in for a long ride where I could not even move my arms and legs an inch without hitting a box or my brother. I sat there for a few minutes and thought about how I did not even know that my brother owned that many clothes and how I had never noticed some of the random things in his room that he wanted to take with him. I tried to let it feel like a normal travel day in my head, like a usual overpacked car for going on a trip with my family. However, I could not get rid of the sound of a voice in my head saying that even though we were just going on a weekend trip this one would not be the same, because when we returned there would be one less person in the car. Especially when I really did start thinking about it, it hit me like a train. I started to compare every single little thing that would be different in my life, which added up to a lot. I would have to drive 150 miles instead of taking two steps into the room I shared a wall with. I went into that room to annoy him a lot and had absolutely no idea what I would do with the extra time, facetiming would not take up as much time as bothering him in person would. As I was silently wallowing in self pity for what only felt like fifteen minutes, something finally came along and got a chance to distract me, 12 letters on a big sign, “Virginia Tech”. It meant we were close, just one exit on a highway away from helping my brother start the next journey of his life, and therefore starting a new journey in mine.

I thought showing up at his dorm and seeing the building in front of me would be my least favorite part of the day but it turned out to be the part that I was the least emotional about everything going on. It turned out moving someone into a room with no space to spread your arms with a mom and dad who overpack everything on a time crunch does not leave you much time and space to think about everything that you are feeling. Everything was a go go go, no time to stop and think about what was happening or how I felt about it. I also did not think I was the only one using the go method as a way to not think about it, I definitely caught my parents realizing it themselves a time or two. After finally getting everything from the car into his dorm room, and part of it spread into the hallway, we finally actually started setting up. We were still moving quickly but this was another moment I had where it clicked to me that he was actually moving. I watched as he decided where to put up posters that had been in the same spot for years in his room at home. It suddenly registered in my head that they wouldn’t be there when I got back. I started to see all my familiar landmarks from his room at home be placed in a random spot they had never been before, just like him.

As his room started coming together and more and more empty boxes went back into the car, I knew the biggest part I had dreaded all day was coming, saying goodbye. I knew logically in my head that I would see him in two months, which in the long run is not a lot of time but at that specific moment it felt like it was going to be an eternity. I was thinking about how I had never really realized how much time I actually spent with my brother. He was always just there, there for me to talk to whenever I needed to or there to go downstairs with me for a midnight snack if I did not want to go alone. It occurred to me that I was going to have to do those things alone. When we finally left his dorm room completely set up my entire family went down the elevator in silence. Even though none of us said it out loud, everyone in my family was dreading it. I knew I was and I could tell my parents were partly scared to see him go but they were also excited to see him thrive in a new environment. We ended up taking about twenty minutes to work up our courage to actually say the words goodbye which we filled by talking about the most random topics you could imagine. We didn’t mind that we were getting late to get to the hotel and to be honest I don’t think my brother cared either, even though I knew he was waiting to go out the second we left the parking lot. We all knew what was coming our way but none of us wanted to face it. Ultimately, saying goodbye to him felt so anticlimactic. As if the second I said it, every feeling I thought I would be having was non-existent. My eyes got teary eyed and for a split second I thought that I might start uncontrollably sobbing if I blinked again, yet I blinked and nothing happened. One tear drop fell out of the corner of my eye and that was it, it was over. I thought about it for a second wondering why I was not so much more upset and why I was not feeling overwhelmed with sadness but I realized why very quickly. It was because I was not feeling sad, more than anything I was just afraid. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to get through my days without the piece of me that I had looked up to my entire life for what to do in every situation imaginable. I waved goodbye as we drove away with a sense of peace for myself and a sense of excitement for my brother knowing he would get to start a new chapter of his life and therefore I would be forced to start a new chapter of mine.

As we drove back to the hotel the car was calm and quiet, no music playing and no conversation, just me and my parents with our silent thoughts. I had to get used to the feeling of being the only person in the backseat of the car. I let my mind wander and I started to think less and less about what would go wrong now that he was officially gone or what I would not have but more about what he would get to experience and how much he would enjoy it. I finally started to see how this day was not just about me, but about how he needed to separate from us and go explore the world on his own, and maybe that would be good for me too. I decided I wanted to use this as a chance to help myself grow into a bit of my own person rather than just the annoying little sister that copies everything her big brother does. With those thoughts, I concluded what I thought would be a terrible day with a really good feeling, and I was honestly a little bit excited to see how everything would change.